Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Our God is Just that Great

Last night I was laying in bed feeling so sad. It was after midnight and we hadn't heard from Matt yet. I was hurt. I love him so much, I have given so much. Sure, I understand that its not easy for him to call and talk with us, he loves us too and it requires emotion and heart. I laid there and started to pray, "Lord, it is so hard to love. I feel like I've given all my heart and I'm getting nothing back." Then, sweetly, the Lord answered me, in the way that He does., (paraphrase) "I know what you're feeling, I gave my life, I gave my own blood, all of my love and so many refuse to receive or return my love for them." Wow. Of course, He is able to understand and relate to my own heart. And even I have been guilty of forgetting to love my savior, of not having enough time for Him, of just pushing him aside because I know that His love for me is unwavering, much like we will always love Matt, regardless of returned love or not.

But again, I know that we are loved by Matt. He is busy. He is having a much harder time than we.

I am learning, again, that when I worship the King my afflictions are eclipsed by His glory. I am understanding that God keeps me in perfect peace when my mind stays on HIM. (Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. - Isaiah 26:3) I am learning that I can worship Jesus and in my openness to God, I don't even need to utter my needs. "You are worthy God!! You are so worthy of my praise! Thank you for loving me!!" He hears that, He sees my heart, He knows my desires.

So then, I will continue in this stead and offer the only sacrifice that my God requires, one of praise. (By him therefore let us offer the sacrifice of praise to God continually, that is, the fruit of our lips giving thanks to his name. - Hebrews 13:15) How wonderful. I'm going to continually fill up with the Spirit and give thanks to my God. He loves us so much and He will keep me in peace.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Army Strong?

I'm not sure how military families survive deployment.  I'm not even exaggerating.  How are the families of soldiers supposed to sleep at night while their loved ones are risking life and limb for American imperialism off in a desert somewhere?  Political opinions on the war aside how do other men and women do this?  I just want to say that I have a deep and newfound respect for military families.  Our dearest friend, truest brother, and partner in adventure is going to Iraq in just 3 weeks.  He will be providing security for convoys moving through Iraq.  Will Michael and I even sleep again until next year?  I just took 2 benadryl-- I'm hoping they get me through the night.

Is this something that I'm supposed to hide for the remaining 11 months of his deployment?  Are we supposed to pretend like everything is fine and we're happy?  We support our brother and are proud of the man that he has become and how strong he truly is.  Would I fail to support him if I don't keep my feelings all bottled up and to myself?  I don't plan on telling him over and over how concerned I am, he knows, hes not stupid.  But beyond that do I just shut up, clam up and somehow try to sleep at night and raise three children without having an outlet for the most consuming grief I've experienced in a long time?  I really have no idea.

This matter is always on my heart and will be until he is home.  I want to see every single man and woman in Iraq and Afghanistan come home safely and quickly.

I just feel like I have a heart full of acid and ammo casing and I'm not sure what to do with it...