What then what do we do with those emotions that we decide we shouldn't have? I guess we try stuffing them somewhere. But that doesn't work. Issues and emotions are slippery things, they seep into other areas and accidentally pour out when we're not expecting them.
Its obviously best to talk about the things that make us upset, but sometimes, like in my case, you feel like you have no one to talk with it about. Certainly, we have many friends online, but its not the same when you can't sob snotty tears into their shoulder. Most of the time I share my heart with my husband, who I love and cherish but my husband has been working a lot. A lot actually doesn't even come close to explaining it. He's been working for weeks with breaks only to sleep and occasionally eat. I knew that the hard work would come, I know that taking over the world is a daunting task, and I support it! But it has left me feeling alone in a time when I needed fellowship.
There was a little girl in an orphanage in China who I fell in love with. Her English name is Stella and last year I randomly chose her photo from a listing to sponsor and pray for her. I didn't choose her because she was beautiful, or I had any certain affection for her. I just picked her. Maybe because I like the name Stella. As time went on we got monthly updates about her development and photos. My heart started to fall in love. I asked my husband many times, "if she's not adopted when we turn 30 we need to come for her! I want to rescue Stella and make her my daughter." This was the cry of my heart and my prayers for almost a year.
At the start of this year I began talking friends who work at adoption agencies and seeing if I could get access to the shared list so I could find out if she was available and what her special needs were, could we really support her in our family? My heart was jumping far ahead of my present circumstance. But I know that fundraising and paperwork can take a year. It made sense to start working now.
|New Day Foster Home|
In His mercy, after only a week of seriously pursuing this child, I learned that another family had chosen her, was coming to rescue her; the little girl that I have never met but somehow love so much. Sure, I was supposed to be happy, but I wasn't. I'm not. That night I cried almost to the point of throwing up. My husband was working, it was mission critical stuff, so he would periodically come in and hold me, then I would send him off to work more.
I just need to cry.
But in the weeks since then, I haven't cried much, but I want to. I am now, as I tell you, Internet.
And, even as I cry, the voice in my head says, "this is stupid, Jennifer. She was never yours. You're not even called to adopt." I can't explain why I'm so sad. I can't say that it makes sense, or that I should be feeling this way, but I do. I AM SAD. And I really want to sit and cry for a long time.
I spent hours, days of my life, imagining Lucie and Stella as "twins." Two little girls, one who's name means Light and the other Star. How perfect, I thought. But she was never mine. And she won't be. She is someone else's star.